I'm home on a new years eve night. Not feeling well... Thinking too much also. Made all the worse by knowing that I'm supposed to be able to step out of this 'mode'. Have I grown at all this year? Or am I just the same person who just knows more? Do I keep making the same mistakes? Its seems that way...

I'm going to be an adult soon... 21 years old... No more leniency. Less chances for mistakes so to speak. God, don't give up on me now. Don't get frustrated at me because I keep worrying about her, whoever she might be.

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation..."
Thats Paul for you. How he did it I don't know. Ignored the facts or focused on God? Focused on God I think. Because its worked for me before. Just that I can't keep it up all the time.

Have a good new year.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
December was a long year
Still running from your pain
Facades and walls, they find me
And I never felt the same
I'm riddled in these board games
But I'm bored with the game

Would have updated more if I didn't have these things on my mind. Should it always be a struggle? Is it supposed to be this difficult?

I wrote the following in Chiang Mai...
It was the night where quite a few of the team members got sick and Liana had a high fever...

We have to confess with our mouth and believe in our hearts. How can we do that when the pain is still there? What if we stil see and feel the effects of the sickness. I've been told to continue believing and so far, He's not withheld His side of the bargain. But what if it didn't... How would I react then?

I was thinking so much about healing that day... We had gone visiting the villagers in their homes and there was this guy who had broken his leg 16 years ago. He didn't go see a doctor and his leg didn't heal right... So his calf was at a funny angle and he couldn't walk right. Asked the group to stay back so that we could pray for him. The pastor asked me to pray while he translated. But after praying out 4 lines, my mind came to a complete halt... Doubts came in and I got pretty upset with myself after that. Began questioning God. He had said I would be a dangerous man for Him... So why was I so afraid? Not knowing what to do and how to do it?

Wrote this on saturday night after the evangelistic concert..
Anyway, these past few days I've been in a whirlwind of activity. I believe its only through God's provision of strength that we managed to get through it all... The team members have good hearts but yet I feel that there's a cap. I'm so glad that it was loosened tonight.

We had a wonderful time praying and worshipping when the speaker went up. We wouldn't have understood the sermon anyway... God spoke to me again. I think I might have a direction after my 5 year plan. Or it might just specifically be for the 5 year duration. I'm not sure.

All I know is that I felt God's love radiating in that room. The amazing thing was that the 16 year old thai girl who was with us felt it too... And even though she knew close to nothing about singing the Holy Spirit and could speak and understand very little of English, she broke down in tears when we prayed and sang. She probably had no idea what we were praying about but she could feel God's love...

Had a vision of a dome of light convering Sanpranet church and the word that came with it. "This ground belongs to me. Claim it in my name..."
Shared it with the group and got 2 confirmations from Liwei and Kris. After that there was a massive feeling of peace. As if what we prayed for had been done. Although I wouldn't know that till much later. God spoke to me in his loving, kind voice. He asked why I wasn't seeking Him more. He also reassured me saying, "Obey and you'll be on the right track.

See... all this reassurance... Why is it still so difficult? 20 more days till the end of my covenant... Lynette suggested extending it one or two more years. The thought of it leaves me breathless...

I'm back... From the mission trip to Thailand. Yet again I've seen how great God can work. Will update more on this another day. I'm just glad to be home. But then again, I really miss the people in Chiang Mai... They are really very friendly people. Hope I get another opportunity before army next year...

I'll be away in Chiang Mai for this week. Don't miss me.
I took the picture below with my dad's digital camera.

Trying so hard to focus on what is right. But its right there... Always pulling me back. Theres still about one more month. Time to dig in... Time to trust God with whatever measly faith that I have. I'm getting tired of always worrying... But I still can't stop.

God... you know my deepest desires. I leave them to you again... I'm trying not to pick it up again. I'm trying. Why is it that these thoughts come when I'm trying to spend more time with you? Merely distractions? Or is it something that I really want? If I really want this, wouldn't God surely provide?

It depends...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
With all of this I know now
Everything inside of my head
It all just goes to show how
Nothing I know changes me at all
Again I wait for this to change instead
To tear the world in two
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Its nice being accepted... Even if they were not people you wanted to spend time with last time. Its still nice... Really thank God for them. Then again, there's still a certain level of prejudice... Mouths will talk. Especially about mistakes. Have to burn this pride... Have to get up and move on...

Anyway, I was just thinking about the youth camp again. I'm trying to identify the things that we have to do. So that everything that the church organises, we can do the same things and get the same results. And you know what? I find that this isn't the way things should work. Methods make me sick. Its like reducing God to a giant drink dispenser... Press the 'prayer' button and you get a good turnout for youth camp. But then again, this is what God promised. I just think that we should remember that He's a God that wants to have a relationship with us....

Megapraise... Something I have to journal about. A dream fulfilled? Seeing a roomful of people praising God with their entire being... I remember praying for this during one of the prayer meetings... And yet I know, this isn't it. There's more. The people we've gathered at the youth camp will help the church go higher. And then the cycle will repeat and more will come and more will grow and more will gather.

"You must deal with this first, before you can move on. Before God can say anything else..."
This wasn't spoken to me... But it made me realise why God was silent. When Pastor Daniel was praying for people, he skipped me... As if on purpose... But now I know. Its because he had no word from God about me.
But you know what the strange thing is? It doesn't mean I stop there to deal with my growth... I still felt led to pray for people and give them words. Its just God telling me... There's more if I want it. You can still be a blessing, you can still be used to a certain extent... but there's more!!!

And then the way everybody functioned. 'Like a well-tuned machine...' according to Lynette. Made me understand what the church is for. Made me understand that just because I can't do something like talk to the new friends doesn't mean I can't talk to the younger Christians. Cos I have a different purpose!

::: Verse of the Day :::
It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
| Ephesians 4:11-13 |

Just got back from my cousin Linus' house. My family was there for a Christmas reunion thingy. I didn't talk much. Still was quite tired from the camp as well as the slam dancing yesterday at the third place. Even though I slept for almost 15 hours today. Exhausted to the max...

Anyway... The camp was a success, so to speak. 6 people received Christ and almost all the Christians re-dedicated their lives to God. I was amazed at the response. I mean, 3 PRCs on the first day is unheard of in Charis. I was brought to tears repeatedly when I saw people being touched by God... It brought back the warning that God gave me in November that if I don't pray, and things screwed up, it would be my fault. Because I already knew what I had to do. And yet at the same time, by praying, it doesn't mean that I did anything... Only allowing God to do His work... Interesting isn't it?

Its time for me to move up... Looking at Shianni, Lynette and Oon move around praying for people and giving words made me stand and take note of how much I still have to learn. Seeing how greatly God multiplied my efforts makes me want to give more and more and finally all of myself... I was sitting back watching how God was using the opportunity to touch and transform lives. This was what I was talking about. This was what I wrote on 14 March...
Felt God speaking to me when Patsy Carmaneti was sharing about the presence of God. I was asking Him 'what happened to the people who just wanted to experience your presence? What happened to just spending time with God and seeing Him do miracles and seeing people slain in the Spirit?' I saw all this when I was a young boy. Why don't I see it anymore? What happened to the carefree, unashamed display of love to God? Why am I asking all these questions? You knew of His goodness too. Ask yourself, daryl...
I feel that something needs to be done about this.

And on 7 April
Yesterday, Pastor Lee spoke about God's plan for us to have abundant life... ABUNDANT!!! Full, even till its overflowing. Not a life of depression, discontent or deception! Not a life in fear of circumstances, be it war, disease or anything like that. I sensed a difference in the way he preached. It could be seen in the way he talked and even in his eyes. It was so powerful. But when he invited those who wanted to receive this abundant life to stand. Very few people stood. It was so sad. On one hand, they're crying out for help... They're crying out to experience God. But when its put in front of them, they don't see it. I couldn't take it... I wanted to shout at them to wake up... I was crying for them all the way from Holy Communion till after the service. Prayed for them in the Spirit. I cried out to Him and asked Him open their eyes and soften their hearts. Also for Him to use me somehow to tell them of what they have as Christians! It was so disturbing when I glanced from the corner of my eye and so practically ALL the youths sitting down. It was as if they weren't listening!!! Its a burden in my Spirit. I MUST pray for them.

"Dear Lord... I thank you for everything you've been to me this past few months. I thank you that You're always there for me, even when I occasionally forget about You. Lord, I still want to be used by You. Lord, help me as I empty myself of my desires and replace them with Your supreme will for my life. Lord, I'm deeply troubled by the Spiritual state of the youth in church. But help me not to take things into my own hands. Lord, I believe that changes are taking place. Thank You Jesus. For our good and Your Glory, I pray, Amen..."

Can't you see it? Can't you see how unbelievably clearly God is working? Isn't it obvious about the direction He wants you to go? You've seen how much God can do through you when you give up this much... What if you gave up all? Wouldn't it be greater, more miraculous work?

What a week... I just got home and i'm sooo tired... Have so many things on my mind that i want to write but I'm too tired to try to recall... Its just been so eventful...

Will update tomorrow...

The start of a very hectic week coming up. Youth camp starting on monday. Tomorrow will be packed for me... Prayer at 10, Service at 11:15, Andy's practice after service, Moving of the pews, Youth camp meeting, setting up of equipment at 5:30, megapraise practice at 7. Staying over in church tomorrow night too...

I'll probably write a lot at the camp... So I'll update when I get back. There's something on my mind... but I can't place it.

Cheapthrills will be playing at the third place this friday... Thats the last day of the camp so there won't be any time for last minute practice... sigh...

Better go pack for the camp now...

Had a super long practice yesterday. Actually it was 3 seperate worship practices. Played drums for 5 hours. 5:30 to 10:30pm... It got to the point where I was sick of hearing the sound of the drums. Bleah...

Jamming with Cheapthrills later... Have new songs that we want to work on... Only 2 practices before our performance. We always seem to be rushing for gigs.

Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.
What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

I had quite a weekend... Was too tired to update though. Stayed over in church on friday night for the leaders' retreat. Had a wonderful worship on friday. When worshipping with them, its soooo easy to get in the flow! And it was like that for EVERY worship. It has to be brought over to the sunday services. Discussed plans for the new year on saturday. I'm in charge of organising one of the movie magiXS.

I wrote this during the retreat...
"Thoughts of her come back. Haven't thought about her in a while... She's overseas now I think. She messaged me to pray for her flight. Its time to move on. You can't impress a fool with wisdom... They just wouldn't know how to appreciate it. This is what frightens me... After you try so hard to be righteous, consecrated and Godly, you end up being totally irrelevant in the eyes of the world. Part of me can't bear to give it all up.

And I feel that I'm making a mess of the worship. Maybe I shouldn't have left everything to last week... Then again, I did try to organise practices. Its not as if I was slacking all the way... God, help me with this.

Consecrated or rather decided to consecrate my life last night... Not an easy task. LIVING SACRIFICE. No longer of the world... Like Paul says in Romans 12:1-2"

Practice for megapraise was actually much smoother than expected... Thank God for Shaoxiong, Joseph, Rachelle, Florence and Gerald. What a great team of musicians. Had a little tiff with Stefanie but everythings fine now... Stress can really affect people. :P